Hey y’all, sorry that I went MIA again. Healing these iss..

Hey y’all, sorry that I went MIA again. Healing these issues with my gallbladder and liver seems to have removed this mental roadblock that I have been stuck on all summer. I did some research, talked to my doctor and the gallbladder and liver do a lot of things for our vitamin/mineral and hormone systems which influence things like anxiety and depression, isn’t that interesting? So not only did my body feel like it was made of a weighted blanket and I was so exhausted all summer, but these issues were also causing these deep depressive holes that I kept getting into. I feel so much better. I have energy. I don’t have pain in my hands. I don’t get ill constantly. I don’t feel manic, and my abdomen is not bloated all the time. It’s fantastic. With this newfound energy, I have spent the last couple of weeks working very diligently to tie up a lot of loose ends to reclaim myself. I don’t know that people who have never been in the position of a mental health bottoming out will even understand. It gets very heavy and very dark. It’s like being an addict where you’re engaging in damaging behaviors that are comforting to you despite that not being what you actually want to do, but you feel so helpless against this need to stay really small and not make any moves to be outside of yourself again. You feel like you don’t belong and no one truly cares. Its horrible! This past year and a half has been incredibly tumultuous for me in my personal and family relationships. I allowed myself to be mistreated, and devalued and debased by someone I cared about, and because I was so run down, I really felt like I deserved it. I had to use my voice and speak up. I’ve been impossibly mean to myself, and I haven’t let myself actually rest. I havent worked to fix things out of kindness, care and reparenting of myself. You can’t solve mental health issues, especially around trauma that occurs at the “small human” point in your life by being mean to yourself and by denying yourself love. And I know this!! I told therapy clients this all the time, I told myself this all the time, but there was something just in between me, feeling safe and me being able to step into that space of care and ownership of myself. So this is an apology and an understanding that you guys are here for porn and you’re here to have fun. You’re not here to watch me fight illness and have a very slow mental break down, maybe if I wasn’t so controlling in my denial of my needs, it would’ve come faster and this process would’ve overturned a lot quicker. I’m learning that mistake, too. I desperately want to build a space back up to what it was. I want to reconnect with you and I want the space to continue to be real people having a horny, good, funny time. I’m going to get a backlog uploaded, and I’ll upload a screenshot of the calendar so that you guys can see that it’s like happening, but I want other ways is to be accountable as I kind of get the ball rolling again because I feel terrible. Ill figure all that out. I know Ive said all this before. Healing deep rooted trauma and chronic illness simultaneously is a complete bitch. The shame of letting everybody down, of not showing up, of not being able to produce content, and in feeling unwanted in my personal life was a factor in the continuation of me not being able to produce. It is just a bad bad cycle, but things are really turning around. I have really taken the bull by the horns and learned how to trust myself, to just be myself. I got really insecure from an interaction that I had, and it made me feel very disposable and worthless, and I lost my footing and all this other weight on top of me just buried me. But this complex issue is the history of my entire life and the last 7 years of being ill. It wasn’t something that was going to be fixed in a couple of months ever but now that I have my body back, I feel so much better. I feel confident. I can listen to myself again, and I can trust myself again because doing that is what made this page what it was before I got really sick. This has been a huge learning curve for me and again I feel bad, because I feel like it’s only relatable to specific people who have dealt with deep issues. Especially in regards to trauma and personality and attachment disorders. You just disassociate and feel awful and helpless, but you’re the only one who can move yourself out of that space. You’re the only one! You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. But learning how to be the person that shows up for yourself when you’ve been in a position where you’ve been disempowered feels impossible. In the development of my psychedelic method, I’ve learned that the stories we tell ourselves are what is most important to us. But going from an unwanted, nobody to being an epic hero in your own life is a fantastical jump. It is a dream built on hope and desire for betterment and belonging and grounding. I’m sorry that it took me so long to come back. Everything comes as it does in the end. but I’m very ready to do the work again and I have fun again so give me a couple of days, and we’ll get it started. ❤️❤️❤️❤️ Ramen