I feel like doing this job when you yourself have never been..

I feel like doing this job when you yourself have never been a very desired person in your actual life is such an odd tightrope walk. No matter how beautiful I feel, no matter how voluptuous and powerful and full of desire I am… I compare. I usually win over sexual partners with my jokes and engagement of them. It’s been only a few times that I’ve been desired for my body first, no matter my size. I was too aggressive and too tall and too hairy and too independent to be objectified by boys in my younger years. None of these things equates to wanting to hold my hand or ask me to dance or buy me a drink. And then my most recent relationship having that partner tell me I was too fat to be attracted to me after I gained a small amount of weight sort of hit a final blow. I felt like I’d been tricked into being convinced I was wholly loveable enough to have someone marry me. Instead, I was riding some thin invisible line of being picked. I’ve been celibate for all this time becaus I promised myself I wouldn’t chase to be seen or desired. The issue is though that men who are firmly into fat women and who adore them as people first, aren’t typically into insecure fat women. Especially at my age. They love them to be proud, feel sexy and show themselves off. But most of us have never been in a position where being proud and showing ourselves off is safe for a general mode of existence. We are often mocked and ridiculed just for being out in public, especially when we are tall and don’t have super feminine faces. We have to beat our own drums and show up for ourselves over and over, hoping someone sees what we see and that if they do it won’t be for just a moment. Unpacking all of this has been so difficult. My brain only wants me to be safe and so it only wants me to keep myself small. Sometimes I believe it. The thing I’ve learned about healing is that to heal into the person you want to become, you must first embody them and train yourself into accepting the rhythm of life that they get to enjoy. So I’m trying to shake off this insecurity. But it’s very deep. I needed it’s protection for a long time.