ᶠʳᵉᵉ ❤️️𝐂𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧❤️️ 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎 ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵗʷᵒ I've become a..

ᶠʳᵉᵉ ❤️️𝐂𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐧❤️️ 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟎 ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵗʷᵒ
I've become a free agent with a big plan to travel the world... that is, until Covid becomes a global pandemic and changes everything. This special episode takes a dive into the first weeks of March 2020 and my brief adventure in Bali while I try to outrun the virus. I share updates, meet the pigs (can anyone remember their names?) dance around in my lingerie and get naked by the pool. This also marks the beginning of my commitment to practice yoga.

Bali marked one of the most important times of my life. Many of you know the story, but for those of you who don't or haven't read it, here is a journal entry written on March 15, 2020:

*I turned off my camera and took a breath. What an exciting evening spent with my online community. So many important people showed up for what was my final stream in my room before embarking on my world adventures as a cam model. I’d begin my journey in Barcelona with my dear friend, Lilac, who had already been traveling Portugal and Spain for several months. We had been planning our time together so well. Upon my arrival we would hop online for what would be our first show together, waking up at 2am to reach my community back home. Then we would continue to do a series of shows throughout the weekend and possibly the following week. We had recognized the value in being together on many different levels. We had never spent more than a few hours at a time together, and this was an opportunity to spend a week together while sharing a deeply intimate space. A beautiful way to begin my adventure, I thought. The universe however, had very different plans. Plans that that would affect everyone on some level individually, and ultimately reshape the ways I would begin my adventure.

While celebrating my ‘bon voyage’ online, rumors started trickling through that our president had issued a travel ban from Europe that would begin in 48-hours. Initially I felt excited and relieved to be leaving the country the following day. I was not planning to return any time soon and a travel ban meant very little to me. Lilac however was scheduled to come home the following week. Many unanswered questions poured in over the next hour and people asked if I would still go. I couldn’t fathom canceling my trip that had been fueled with so much intention and purpose over the months. Lilac was reasonably concerned — and while there were many rumors, the protocol for getting back into the country had been left unclear. I fell asleep that night with the growing suspicion that my plans may look differently in the morning.

I woke up to a series of news alerts and messages from concerned friends and family. Panic around the virus and the travel ban had grown tenfold overnight. Lilac had left Barcelona to fly home from the UK, a decision that left her feeling empty, confused and devastated. My heart became covered in static as I read through messages and articles, and my mind became numb. My flight was to leave later in the evening, so I decided to go about my morning routine, in autopilot, hoping an answer would become more clear.

I sat in a beam of sunlight on the floor next to three neatly packed suitcases. I had packed clothes for all different kinds of weather, a plethora of lingerie, sexy accessories and toys, camming equipment, and a ridiculous 90-day supply of my favorite supplements. I was ready to go. I had decided to quit my job six weeks ago, a decision that symbolized economic freedom. My decision to take flight around the world was a symbol for my inner dragon, who had been so repressed by the image of perfection, the porcelain doll, to spread her wings in a whole new way. My room felt like the cage I’d fought to break free from. My bags sat there like shiny keys to the lock.

The animal spirit guides felt light in my hand as I turned the cards and played with them. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized the meaning behind the cards I had picked the night before. The fish “fighting against the current” and the moth reminding me that life is complex, that no matter the illusion, no one is exempt from the trials and tribulations of this great journey and to practice seeing it as an infinite mystery rather than wishing it were easier or different. I picked up my phone and calmly cancelled my flight and my airbnbs in Spain. I sat in silence for a long time feeling that early afternoon sun on my face. “The universe has different plans for me,” I heard my heart say. “I wonder what beauty I will discover along this new path.”

There’s a cafe I frequent nearby where over the years so many of my creative thoughts and ideas have come to fruition. The manager (whom you all know as Rick), had become a very close and dear friend, was surprised to see me when I arrived. I explained the changes and told him that I had come to see what happened next on this new unforeseen path. I can’t explain how these next events occurred so quickly but I remember feeling guided by a strong force from within. I opened my laptop and it went something like this: AirBnb. Bali. SkyScanner. Bali. Much like a game of Tetris where each piece that comes next fits perfectly into that crevice you’ve created with the pieces before it, I found myself a ticket at midnight to the most beautiful place in the jungle I've ever laid eyes on. It was as if this had been the plan all along. In fact, it was the plan all along. The unforeseen plan of the universe that we often try to fight against, but with an open heart, can find deeply hidden opportunities you wouldn’t have thought existed.

Life doesn’t always happen in this way, and therein lies the mystery of how we choose to play the game of Tetris. Do we continue to drop the pieces randomly without thought and purpose, adding layers and burying ourselves until it’s game over? Or do we accept the stacks that have built up due to a heavy bout of unforeseen and less desirable pieces, and move forward placing each piece with care and intention to clear the way for growth and new opportunity? It’s interesting to watch our mind wander to one or the other.

The result of Covid-19 spreading throughout the world is devastating both individually and on a global scale. It’s a very confusing time, with so many questions left unanswered. We cannot predict what will happen with the virus. We cannot predict how our governments will react. it can be very difficult to see light in a time of darkness. I did not expect this new chapter of my life to begin under these circumstances, but it did. A lot of people would have chosen to move forward differently, perhaps with a more statistically safe approach, and there is really no right answer.

My heart spoke, I listened, and I followed. And now I can’t wait to share the journey with you <3*